| Mar. 22nd, 2006 @ 08:29 am (no subject) |
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How I'm Feeling:  angry and hurt
Okay, so I have an extreme amount of shit going on right now. For those of you who have been living in a box, my friend Joey died on Sunday night. For the past couple days, I've been either refusing to think because it causes me to cry, or refusing to be in reality and pretending that Sunday night never happened and that I can go to Joey's house and watch him kick that godforsaken mailbox or break someone's chops about the white picket fence in front of the house. Tonight is his wake, and tomorrow is his funeral. And I'm having just a little bit of trouble dealing with this entire thing because I'm just so angry. I'm angry at the doctors for not saving his life, and I'm angry--really angry--at Joey for not fighting harder. I feel like he should've fought harder for his life. For Jess, the woman he married only 5 weeks ago, for his friends, for his house. I feel like I should be able to go to Yale today and bust his chops for working on that fucking chandelier that I don't think he should have been working on anyway because he's always had heart problems. I'm angry at myself for not being there. Instead of being there I was dress shopping with a couple of my friends. Saturday and Sunday are my days to be at the firehouse usually because I can't really go any other day of the week and I wasn't there. And I should have been. Logically and medically I know there was nothing I could have done. Medically I know that his heart was just too damaged and he just couldn't hold on anymore.
And on top of that, I have to deal with the fact that some of my friends just don't have the same courtesy for me that I have for them. I have been feeling extremely betrayed by a lot of my friends lately. I'm one of those people that will give a friend the shirt off my back if they need me to. I'll be the one helping them hide a body if it's really necessary. That's just the way I am with my friends. And I feel like I don't get anything like that back from them. In fact, lately I feel like most of my friends have been extremely dishonest with me, and really inconsiderate. Like they don't take into account the fact that I would die for them. They consider me to be expendable.
Now, most of these people are school friends, and out of my school friends, I can count 3 that I can trust to treat me the way I treat them. That's a little unfair, don't you think? I think I deserve to be treated with a little respect. I think that if you have something to say to me, you should just say it. I think that if you're seeing my exboyfriend (which in my opinion friends shouldnt do to each other to begin with), you shouldn't lie to me when I ask you about it. You shouldn't play semantics games with me like that. What should have been said there was "well, we're interested in each other and we're thinking about it. maybe" or if you guys were seeing each other but it hadnt progressed to where it is now, I think I should have been told when I asked. Even my friend Jessi had the balls to tell me flat out when I asked her, and the only reason she didn't tell me first was because nobody knew. That, in my opinion, is the mark of a good friend.
I don't mind my friends being happy. I'm not going to stand in the way of anyone's happiness. But I don't deserve to be lied to.
I'm leaving this public because I want certain people to read it, and I want them to know that, while I no longer consider them to be amongst my closest friends (certainly not close enough to read my livejournal posts) I want them to know that I'm angry at them. Extremely angry, because I feel like I've been betrayed. But I also want them to know that I'm not going to cause any drama for them. I'm not going to stand between them, and I only want happiness for them.
But I really hope they don't expect me to be all friendly with them again. Civility I can do, for the good of the ship, but not friendly. So please don't expect that of me. Because while I might forgive you in the future for betraying me and going behind my back, I certainly won't forget it. So be happy with each other, because you both deserve happiness, but do not expect me to forgive you for it right away. |
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ravenmoonbeam's journal
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